Thursday, 18 August 2011


WARNING : The following contains things of a rather rude nature.

Not bothered about the warning? Then let us continue.

Tonight is all about my first encounter after a night out on the town.
I'd met up with my very good friend Andy at Queens Court in Leeds. We were both single and both hoping to find love, or if not that then at least a shag. Well, that's how it was on my part.

I had my usual vodka and coke and Andy was on soft drinks as he was driving that night. I always feel bad when I'm drinking alcohol and the other person isn't as you can't help thinking that the other person isn't actually enjoying themselves!

Anyhow, we were drinking away and listening to the music when everyone started making their way upstairs. We followed. That was the procedure and probably still is at Queens Court. You stayed downstairs until 11pm and then you were allowed upstairs where the good stuff happens.

Several drinks later, I decided I needed the toilet so made my way there. Now I don't know if it's a gay thing but when I'm in a gay bar, I have a certain walk when I go to the toilet. Not your usual mincing walk but just a walk different to any other way. It's like I feel all eyes are on me, though in actual fact most of the guys are looking in the other direction at the hottie with the six pack who's just passed me.
Needless to say...I have a walk.

After I'd finished at the toilet and washed my hands. Yes, even when I'm inebriated, I still wash my hands. Shame on all you men..and women who don't.
As I was saying, after I'd finished, I made my way back to Andy and we then made our way to the dance floor.
Whilst dancing, I noticed a guy in the corner, probably in his mid 20's, dark hair, wearing specs and who was quite pleasing to the eye. What was even better was he was looking at me. I checked behind me just in case six pack man was stood there. He wasn't.
I whispered to Andy to have a look, which he did. He confirmed that the guy was totally checking me out.
Maybe it was because I was wearing lenses instead of my usual glasses. All my previous nights out, I had worn my glasses and absolutely had no luck whatsoever with the guys but here I was, different night and new lenses and a guy had noticed me. I was thrilled!!!

Andy suggested we make our way over to him and I eagerly agreed. We danced a little and as we did, I got closer and closer to him until eventually I was practically next to him. I turned and there we were, face to face.
"Hi. Not seen you in here before" I said to him and he replied "No. It's my first time. Just in Leeds visiting a friend"

I asked him his name, which was Ralph and he asked for mine. We then continued to chat. He was a teacher and lived down south, I forget where exactly and whilst I think about it, I can't even remember his real name. Ralph will have to do!
We then decided to have a dance together and he told me this was his last night in Leeds and had to be up early to catch the train back home.
I said that was a shame as we could have done something tomorrow.
As we danced, we made our way to the corner where we ended up having a bit of a snog.
Poor Andy had been left to his own devices whilst all this was happening and I was beginning to feel rather bad at leaving him on his own. I suggested to Ralph that we find him. He agreed which I thought was quite sweet.
What I didn't realise is that Ralph was here with a friend too and when we found Andy and I'd introduced him to Ralph, his friend came over and said it was time to go.
I looked at Andy and he looked at me. What do I do?
I asked Ralph if he really had to go. Of course he had to. He had an early train to catch the next day.
He turned to chat to his friend and then turned back to me.
"My friend said you can come back with us to his place if you'd like"
I replied that I needed to see what Andy was doing. I knew what Andy would say but still thought I should ask. Of course I was right. He said if I wanted to go, then I should. His only stipulation was that he shared a taxi with us so he could see where I would be staying. Wise head for such a young man..that's Andy.

So we made our way to Ralph's friends place which was in Headingley. His friend was still a student.
Before I got out of the taxi, Andy whispered be careful and just have fun. I gave him a hug and departed from the taxi.
We entered the house which wasn't that nice. It was tidy but had a cold feel to it.
Ralph's friend said goodnight and went off to bed.
I looked at Ralph and asked where his bedroom was. "You're looking at it" he replied.
You guessed it...the sofa. I was mortified.
I'd come all this way only to kip on the sofa. Of course I didn't show my objections at having to sleep on the sofa. I was determined this was going to be a fun night.

We chatted a little and then started to kiss a little too. Ralph then suggested we settle down for the night which actually meant we should get down to business.
He had already brought a blanket down so all that was left was for us to get naked.
He turned the light off and started to undress. Maybe it was the new lenses but I could make out his silhouette instantly. I decided to undress too.
We got under the covers, both naked, and started kissing again. He was on his back and I was on top. I then did what came naturally for someone of my persuasion and he let out a moan. A few moans later, he decided he wanted to be on top which was fine with me. As I lay there, I thought I would caress his shoulders and then his back. Oh my god!!!!  There was fur on his shoulders. I touched his back. I was actually naked on the sofa with a hairy gorilla.
If there is one thing I cannot abide it is hairy men. When I say hairy, I am talking who needs a winter jacket when I have all this hair type hairy. It utterly repulses me. You get the picture..I don't like hairy!!!

I lay there with my hands in mid air refusing to touch any part that could include contact with his coat.
Ralph was too busy fencing, though at this point I think my sword had deflated.
I just couldn't believe it. All this time I had longed to be with a man and I end up with Ralph the Yeti.
Could this get any worse..of course it could.

Ralph was reaching the point of no return. I had managed to overcome my fear of his hair and actually managed to knit a lovely pair of gloves from it.
He stopped and asked "Where do you want me to come"
My head was saying anywhere but here but my mouth said on my chest.
He started to wank, steadily getting faster and faster until he did just that. I thought to myself, my turn now.
A thought was as far as it got. As soon as Ralph had relieved himself, he quickly dropped onto me and just as quickly fell asleep.
I'd heard of tales of men instantly falling asleep after they had made love to their wives but thought it was just a joke. Here I was though with Ralph asleep on top of me.
I really didn't know what to do. Thankfully I didn't need to do anything. After what seemed like 20 minutes but in actual fact was only 2 or 3, Ralph awoke and decided he needed the toilet.
As it had only been 2 or 3 minutes I still had a pool of his deposit on my chest. There were no towels or tissue nearby for me to wipe it off. Now what on earth could I use? I grasped in the dark urgently trying to find something before Ralph came back and then I found something.
They say revenge is sweet and boy was it sweet. Fall asleep on me would you with your hairy shoulders and your hairy back. I found the perfect item to wipe up with...Ralph's shirt.
I very quickly wiped and could feel the damp patch in his shirt getting bigger and bigger. I could hear Ralph flushing the toilet so i dropped the shirt on the floor and then pretended i was asleep as he entered the room.

I can't really say I had a good nights sleep that night. When wearing lenses, you're not supposed to sleep in them and this prayed on my mind. Then there was the fact that I was sharing a not so big sofa. Not that that bothered Ralph. He was sleeping like he was in a king size bed.

Eventually morning came and Ralph woke up. I was already awake. My eyes were so dry with wearing the lenses for which was now well over 24 hours.
He said good morning and then said we had to be quick as his train arrived in a couple of hours.
Now you remember that shirt? Of course you do. All I can say is I had no idea. Any normal person who comes to visit a friend would have brought spare clothes. Not Ralph. He proceeded to put on last night's clothes. First his jeans and then the shirt that had his dried up deposit on it. The worst thing was, you could actually see where it was. There were lighter shades on certain parts of the shirt. He was oblivious to it and continued to dress as did I.

We made our way to the bus stop and eventually caught the bus. The conversation was rather dull. Last nights conversation was obviously fuelled by the vast amounts of alcohol I'd had.
Every now and then I caught a glimpse of  one of the crusty patches on Ralph's shirt and couldn't help but smile. He must have thought it was aimed at him but as you are well ware, it wasn't.
I did feel a great deal of satisfaction in knowing just what else he was wearing that day and even more so, knowing he would be on a train for several hours and that other people would notice the patches

We arrived at our destination and walked to the train station. Once there, Ralph stopped and said goodbye. He asked if we could meet up again sometime.
I said I'd be in touch. I was lying and never saw Ralph again!!!

Until next time, I bid thee all goodnight!

1 comment:

  1. hilarious but 2 words... spell check ! lol